Hell is a metal tube...

...at 3000 ft in the air, trapped by the window seat with no means of escape from the world's most annoying passenger. OK, maybe not the WORLD's most, but certainly on the top 10. Most not wanted. Seriously. Suicide bombers should sit next to this guy - the plane won't even leave the tarmac.

There I was, minding my own business, terribly pleased with myself for booking the very back seat in the corner of the plane - they don't normally fill the back rows so if the plane isn't full, you have a good chance of having the seat next to you empty. Which happened. For a while. Along comes Ms air hostess to inform me that she is moving a passenger to the seat next to me - his tv screen isn't working. Likely story this turned out to be! Where are the words calm, compassionate and understanding written on my forehead?? Wipe then off! NOW!

Said passenger sits down and turns to me to introduce himself by holding his frequent flyer card, on a string around his neck, in front of my eyes so that I have to squint to read it - not that I do, because I don't care! Said passenger is an adult male, on the slightly larger side with a significant number of candles on his birthday cake - I think I would be safe to call him a senior citizen, but certainly not of the doddering kind - after all, he's here, flying all by himself and managing to take care of himself just fine.

I am now sufficiently annoyed at said passenger who has taken the very nice empty seat next to me and promptly turn on my 'F-you' shield. It works every time. Without fail. Well, it used to. Mr Senior Citizen introduces himself as a doctor and asks if I'm a nurse. (??!). Did I forget to remove the hat or the stockings?! Nope, no signs on my person that I own a nurse's outfit. So no, I am not a nurse. Oh ok, so you work for the airline then? Double check my attire - any air hostess paraphenalia? No. No, I definitely don't work for the airline either, but thanks for stereotyping me so thoroughly you annoying old fool. Now I'm going to put on my earphones and try to watch a movie, any movie.

Ten minutes into the movie, Mr Talkative wants to tell me something. He's trying to get my attention by pumping me in the ribs with his elbow and shoving a different sheet of paper under my nose. Can I pretend not to notice? Ouch! Apparently not - he packs a mean sharp elbow. Fucker. Look at this article about some uniteresting man who did something terribly boring - this is the guy I was staying with in London (oh yes, I forgot to mention, its a flight from London to Johannesburg - 11 fun filled hours to look forward to). Yes, that's very nice. Good for you. Headphones. Movie.

Dinner arrives. My special meal gets there first. The person to my left wants to know if I ordered the fish as well. No, actually its the hallaal meal, I'm working my way down the list of special meal options to relieve the boredom of travel and they taste better anyway. But I can't say that can I?! That might appear to be participating in coversation. So I just shake my head, smile and continue eating. (Yes, I am a nurse and I order eveything that you do, oh great and worthy doctor). Still wearing headphones, pretending to watch movie. But this is dinner time, conversation time, so a few more pumps in the ribs later, I am exposed to the story of the guy he sat next to before he joined me - how large a man this was (yeah, you're one to talk, buddy) and how uncaringly he stepped on Dr Excrutios package. Fucking lucky bastard, he had a package to step on to get rid of the guy. WHY DIDN'T I HAVE A PACKAGE?

Headphones. Movie. Lights are turned off, quiet time now Dr. No? Of course no. Indignant rib pumping action - how can you watch a movie in the dark?! Do you know how bad this is for your eyes? OMG! I'm on the plane with my mother!! Thank you very much you incredibly invasive shit. If I still had my plastic spoon left over from dinner, I would be gutting you right now. The only reason I am not doing anything at all is:
a) You really do remind me of my mother a little and lucky for you I love her
b) I feel kinda sorry for you, you can't have a great life if this is how you interact with the world
c) I will probably get arrested

What I actually said: I really don't want to continue talking to you. I think I'm just going to try sleep now. Good night. Turn around (as much as this is possible in cattle class), put on eye mask and pretend to sleep. For 6 hours. Pretend to wake up as breakfast arrives. Good morning, how did you sleep? Now just promise me you will go see an eye doctor as soon as you can. Watching tv in the dark is really bad for your eyes. Now, I haven't been a saint, but who deserves this?

A few weeks later I read that a new UK study reveals watching tv in the dark does not harm your eyesight at all. Fuck my life.